


Truly Contradicting Entirety

by Kuragari_San



Category: Original - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Fictional
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2015-10-27
Packaged: 2018-04-28 09:17:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5086366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuragari_San/pseuds/Kuragari_San
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about a young teenage boy who has to deal with trying to understand where he stands in his own mess of a world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Truly Contradicting Entirety

**Author's Note:**

> THIS WORK IS PURELY FICTIONAL!!!

There are always these moments in life in which you realize that you almost made a huge mistake. For most of you, your mistake is not even close to mine. Let me start of by explaining one thing, in my English class we have this journal that we have to write in everyday, sometimes I forget that the journal is something that my teacher actually reads and I get to personal and in depth when I write. And so I decided why not go ahead and actually start my own journal. And from then on I have had various situations where I have realized that I am writing in the wrong journal. Today was one of those days, the question on the whiteboard asking about what our favorite moment was, and me being the person who literally can care less for favorite moments because of course I have none, got too personal in answering. And so in order to stop myself from causing something amazingly wrong, I turned to my real journal. And so I am here now.  
Lately I just cannot understand my own thoughts and emotions. This all contradicts my previous entries in which I said specifically that I was going to become an emotionless blob of nothing. I couldn’t avoid any of it as I wanted to previously. Now I’m finding myself confused. First of there is a girl named Reina, or at least that is what I am going to be referring to her as for now. Reina is a girl that I consider to be one of my best friends. And so I am finding myself confused as I previously stated not just about Reina but also a few other people. My other friend Lola is also a part of my overall confusion. Along with Reina and Lola there is a girl named May. And farther down the path I will introduce you to some others.  
Let’s start with Reina, Reina is the girl that I currently like. She is also someone that is really good friends with me, and as far as liking your best friends. Nothing ever goes the right way. But even before Reina there was Nora, yet another one of my best friends/Unrequited love. And even before Nora there was Lola. Lola of course being another one of my best friends. She was the one that I fell madly in love with. Although Lola had other ideas, over the course of time I began to become very close with her and started to join her on skype with a select few of her online friends. Most of the people I met online through Lola were extremely cool. I started believing that I was actually fitting in. Getting ever closer to Lola and what was now “our” online friends. Me being the complete fool I am I decided to tell one of our friends that I was madly in love with Lola. The thing is that Lola fell in love with the exact same guy that I decided to go to for advice, a 22 year old French guy. I couldn’t even begin to understand the appeal. He lived halfway across the world and the age gap was evident.  
I chose to go ahead and confess my feeling anyway. Lola just looked at me as if nothing happened and then silence. Nothingness. The complete and utter feeling of dying inside. She didn’t even blink at me, It was like she literally had no words for what I had just said. Weeks of awkwardness went by and she still acted like I didn’t even confess to her. Eventually I just had to give it all up. Apparently the French guy had confessed to her. They were an official thing soon after that. When that happened Lola finally decided to fill me in on a little bit of information, telling me that months before my confession she indeed had a crush on me. If only I was a few months early I would have had my feelings returned. Utterly helpless was what I felt. Like I couldn’t even talk anymore due to the new information. Time passed on and things happened on and off and eventually me and Lola returned to where we were previously, only a bit closer than before. Although Lola’s French guy up and disappeared. I feel like and can do almost nothing about it to make her feel better. Lola is an aspect of my utter confusion because there is still lingering feelings. Which doesn’t make sense because I thought I liked Reina?  
While the whole thing with Lola was happening I became really good friends with Nora. In the beginning I had no actual feelings for her that were more than just wanting to be friends. I thought she was the same way. And so I went on with telling Nora how much I liked Lola. Little did I know that at that time Nora actually liked me. A few months later when I was finally “over” Lola I grew really close to Nora. Thinking that she was amazing I began to sink in to a very deep emotional state. She had moved on from me and started to date a guy months before after realizing that I wanted nothing to do with her at the time. But now I was starved for her. Never did I get enough. On my birthday I invited Nora and a few of my other friends over and we had a lot of fun, mixed in with the fun one of my friends decided to tell Nora that I never stop talking about her. She obviously took that as suspicions. Later that night I got a message from Nora asking me what my friends words meant. What did he mean I never stopped talking about her?  
I tried my very best to hide the fact that I liked her. I almost fooled myself when she finally just up and said. I don’t know if he was really just messing around by saying that but personally whenever you were in love with Lola, I really liked you! I lost it. That night I just told her everything. Yet again I was late. Lola and now Nora. Completely broken. But Nora didn’t let it end so soon. We continued on each night skyping and having conversations over Facebook. Getting very illicit and personal. And so my summer consisted of staying up all night with Nora on skype. Each night would start of extremely happy. Nora would tell me that I was so much better than her boyfriend and I would say she deserved me over him, we would agree and then she would go as far as saying some fairly dirty thoughts about me. It always ended with me telling her that I just couldn’t keep on going with whatever we were doing. I needed her to choose. Me or her boyfriend. Caught in between an immense wrong and right. Nora always told me she would really talk to her boyfriend and really think about it. And then, in the middle of the night. I would wake up to an incredibly long message explaining to me that she just couldn’t break up with him, that although she really cared about me she wouldn’t do anything about it. Toying with me continuously. As if nothing we just talked about previously even happened.  
Nora sent me into an incredulous stage of depression. From hurting myself to almost going mentally insane. What was real? What was actually happening? I myself couldn’t answer either of those questions. I just couldn’t handle anything that would happen. The video chats and the sexual messages. They all broke me down. Nora didn’t know what she was doing but it all continued on anyways. Like her personal game I think. That’s when my mom found my cuts. The look on my Mothers face made me realize how real everything was. And so I decided to stop all of the bullshit between me and Nora. That summer came to an end and I began my sophomore year of high school. Nora still approached me as her friend and I accepted it as if nothing had ever happened. But deep down I resent it all. I can’t stand it even today. I’m really trying to hold a normal friendship with her but lately I just can’t look at her the same. I guess life just goes on. Nora is definitely part of my insanity and my confusion.  
And so on, this brings me all the way back to none other than Reina. We became really close beginning sophomore year. I just couldn’t not catch feelings for her. I’m on an entirely different level of awkwardness around her now. The continuous vibe I’m sending off without my will is horrendous. Yet I cannot stop the vibe from going on through. Reina always hugs me, the really friendly kind of hugs. I just feel extremely guilty about those though. Although If I am to tell the truth, I do kind of like them. I can’t possibly tell her how I actually feel even if I am super obvious about it because I have messed up before and I cannot repeat myself. Also I cannot tell her my true feelings because of a few other reasons.  
One of those reasons being Lola! As I said before me and Lola are really close now. Every now and then we have these sort of moments. And for all I know they could be completely one sided but for some reason I just feel something deep down resurface. I thought I was all over my feelings for her. Well to be frank I was wrong to think so. Although the feelings aren’t the same as before they definitely linger there. Reminding me that I am the scum of the earth. How can I possibly say that I truly like Reina if in the back of my head I am thinking about Lola? The entire situation makes me sick. I’m beginning to think that I don’t even deserve to be friends with any of them. I am the lowest of human beings. Lying and going on as if nothing has ever changed. I even lie to myself, about how I feel. Filling my head with delusions that I am fine. In class Lola will put her legs up on my lap and it drives me insane, mostly because I shouldn’t be happy that she is doing so, I resent myself as it is. My hands end up on her leg and then there is a little squeeze and I realize how truly wrong and contradicting I am as a person. Do I really like Reina? I’m slowly going insane from all of this and its driving me into a corner. If my brain can’t even decide between Reina and Lola, then what am I? Completely broken is the only thing I have that comes even close to an answer.  
Then we come across our second reason, May. May was my first real love. Back when I was eleven years old and in the fifth grade I fell in love with her. She was like a lone star in the blank night to me. My eyes could only see her, she was also a year older than me. I worked up all my courage and did the equivalent of asking her out. As far as fifth grade relationships go that is. To my surprise she actually said yes to me and throughout that entire year we passed notes and giggled together. I don’t even remember if we even held hands. I’m completely crazy for even going so far back. Connecting all these little things may seem crazy to all of you but I truly see them all as an entire whole item. Like there all interconnected and meaningful. Maybe they are meaningless but as of now I am holding on to the hope that they aren’t.  
Anyways, May was amazing but soon enough the year came to an end and she went on to seventh grade. An entirely new playground for her. Leaving me behind in the past. When I finally made it to seventh grade we ended up in different schools. By that time we never talked anymore. I had her on Facebook but that was almost meaningless. I felt more like some sort of stalker who would check up on how her life was going here and there. But when I started my freshmen year, I saw her. Walking straight up to me she looked like she was really excited to see me. We made small talk and I almost completely lost it because I was at a loss of words. After that day we never made contact again. Occasionally I see her wandering the halls heading to her classes just like the rest of us students. I can’t help but wonder if she ever thinks about me? I mean I think about her here and there and it makes me feel like I am the lowest of low, like I’m some weird stalker who holds onto the past and never let’s go. Sometimes I do find myself imagining things. I ruined it all but I can never stop thinking about her. Like I said, I’m not exactly sure if that is creepy or if it means something else.  
If it was something else then I wouldn’t feel so guilty thinking about her. I never think about her in any sort of weird way. I simply wonder if she ever thinks about me. Sometimes I will see her in the hallway and we will make eye contact, never do we even come close to acknowledging each other though. I know that she is in the same vicinity as me when I head off to my second period class. I just can’t help but want to be there in the hallway just to make eye contact with her or see her in some way. Maybe I really am becoming some horrible insult to the world. Once I noticed that she was actually looking at me, like legitimately staring at me. I looked up and made eye contact and then she immediately turned away. I have no clue what this means but my insides are just holding onto it like some sort of sign. Even if I know it means nothing. The original point was to be yet another reason in which I am confused about life and Reina as a whole. But now it has mutated into some sort of huge big picture. Like all of these situations have come full circle. Like they are all connected in some way and I feel as if it is almost seamless. And then I realize that I’m most likely just wanting it to all mean something. So that I can finally prove to myself that I myself am meaningful. I want it to all come together as if my life was some sort of movie or television drama.  
In the end I’m just as lost as I’ve ever been. If it all seems connected then why won’t it all finally come together in conclusion? Why does it all have to be so dooming and confusing? Sitting right in front of me and yet not being close enough to see clearly. I am lost and still waiting for the connections to come together!


End file.
